Misery likes company

What a year... We’re all finding it hard to realise what’s happening and how this virus changed everyone’s lives across the globe.

Around Christmas time I noticed that most people were miserable. I am not proud of myself, but this brought me comfort... I wasn’t alone in my sadness and grief anymore... We’re all grieving something, a loved one or even our past lives, our lost jobs, our ambitions, our aspirations, our human connections, our human contact... The more time passes, the less hope we have in getting our lives back.

I remember when I had hopes and dreams. Even after Mya left I still dared to dream, before I realised that the pain never goes away, that I will always miss her, that even when I will try to make things better, I will fail. Now I don’t even dare to close my eyes and picture my dreams. Well, it’s mostly because when I do close my eyes and allow myself to dream, I see Mya and Ella running around, laughing, playing, hugging me and everything looks wonderful. Then I open my eyes and everything looks dark and sad... and it just hurts and I never want to close my eyes again.

The other day I even found myself looking at an older woman and wishing I were in her shoes... She looked so put together, calm and most importantly, she had fewer years to live. The thought that it would all be over soon felt comforting.

I started this blog thinking I can inspire people to keep fighting, to keep dreaming and building better lives. But I can’t inspire anything at the moment. I try to always add a positive note to my posts and the reason why I don’t write very often is that it’s sometimes impossible to be anything but the same old sad broken record of a grieving mother trying but failing to find hope and happiness again.

Well, I’m not really trying at the moment... How can anyone try these days?

Maybe it’s OK to stop trying sometimes. I see so many people online trying to be positive, encouraging us to be positive. Some are indeed very inspiring but to me it just feels overwhelming. It’s like we’re creating new expectations of perfection: staying sane, fit and happy during Quarantine! As if we needed more unattainable goals to keep us down.

My Yoga practice and teaching are helping me stay kind of focused and be sort of a good mother to Ella... and that’s all I can aspire to for now. It’s the first time that I hold myself to such low standards.

I’ve wanted to completely give up for so long. Just curl up in my bed forever and not do anything. But I never let myself sink this low because I always wanted to be the best mother to Ella and make Mya proud from wherever she is. But I’m sure she knows I’m doing the best I can and will hopefully figure things out at some point.

Just not now...