The greatest love story...

… is the story of the love between a mother and her child.

When we think of love stories, we think of two people meeting, falling in love and a possibility of a happily ever after. A tiny possibility… It’s often a complicated story of wondering if they will love you back, if they will give you what you need, if they will take you for granted, if it will last...

A mother’s love for her child is everlasting, granted, free... Most importantly, you expect the ‘happily ever after’, you expect that you will be able to love them forever, have them in your life forever, watch them grow old and help them be the happiest they could be. That’s the nature of things…

My love story is the saddest of all… and I can’t come to terms with it. It was supposed to be forever… we’re not supposed to watch our children die… It goes against the nature of things...

I promised my writing won’t be so sad. I tried… the first title of this one was ‘facing fears’ but it only went downhill from there. I haven’t been doing much. Well, in terms of my healing process at least. I’ve been travelling and working a lot. But I haven’t been eating well or exercising. I haven’t done Yoga since June. I have been unable to help myself like I usually do.

As the one year anniversary approaches, my thoughts started getting darker and my anger grew stronger. I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s almost been a year of a lifetime without her. The sounds of the monitors in the hospital room started getting stronger in my head and the warmth of her body started to fade away....

A year ago she was here… I don’t want to live in world where a year ago she wasn’t…

Today I feel that I have admitted defeat. I stopped believing that I could fight my grief. I’ve been trying to keep going, using my usual tricks to shape my mindset: work, exercise, healthy eating, time with loved ones… When I had energy to do it, it didn’t work and today, I don’t have the energy to fight anymore.

So I admitted defeat… I just can’t keep doing the usual things when nothing makes sense… I can’t function like I normally do anymore. I got time off work till the end of the year (or more if I need it). I will try to figure things out but I don’t have a plan, I just know that I want to go back to a proper Yoga practice and keep writing.

I understand now that I can’t run away from my pain or hide from it by keeping myself busy. I don’t know if facing it will make it easier, but I have to try.

Love

Sabine