A letter to Mya

My dear Mya, I am in a beautiful place by the sea habibi. All I think about is you. Every single minute of every day... I carry you with me everywhere. But the way I carry you is undeserving of you... it is painful like a strong stabbing pain in the heart and sad like the moment your heart monitor stopped beeping. But you are beautiful, happy and pure... you don’t deserve to be carried like that. I am trying my sweet sweet baby... I am trying so hard to be deserving of this beautiful soul that is yours. But it’s so hard Mimi... do you know what I mean? You’re not here... I miss you so damn much... your smell, your voice and mostly your hug. This hug that could bring joy to anyone. I’ve never seen anyone indifferent to how you wrap your arms around their neck and squeeze you cheek against their cheek. I would give so much to have a bit of that every day. You gave more love than you ever received habibi. Ella’s doing fine you know. She’s enjoying life and talks about you with joy. It’s like she understands it all. She carries you so much better than I do. Sometimes I can see you shining through her. Every moment with you was a blessing my love. It’s like you knew your time here would be short and you made it worth the while. You spread positivity and joy through it all... the seizures, the needles, the intubations, the endless hospital stays... I will keep on trying my love. For you and for Ella. We will always carry you with us. I sometimes felt sad because of how Ella didn’t seem saddened by your absence. I was wrong, she just carries your light everywhere. At times I see you through her. Can you imagine how great she is? On her own she’s always been an amazing child and now she has some of you on top of that. I can’t even begin to explain what an extraordinary person she is. I love and will always love you deeper than I could ever put into words. I don’t know how I will heal from your absence but I know that Ella will take me on a beautiful path filled with the energy that you left us. Your ever grateful mother Sabine