First things first: thank you for all the support - comments, messages, calls… It is so heartwarming. I have to admit that I did everything for the first post in one hour! I was going through a horrible jet lag and decided at 5pm that I need to write this. I wrote it, created the blog, asked for feedback and published - all from 5 to 6 pm. I had never done this before and knew that if I slept on it I would change my mind. So thank you again for giving me your support, it will keep me going for at least a few more posts - until you get bored of me.
I have a few pages written but I don’t have the needed courage to share it all yet. Instead I will try to answer some of your questions and comments.
A very good friend of mine had the sweetest reaction when I sent him my last (and first) text on this blog. He thought that the name was not right, “You’re not just a grieving mother. It’s too negative to define you”, he wrote. Isn’t that a beautiful thing to say?
I received so many amazing testimonies to what a lot of you feel is ‘courage’. It gave me enough positive energy to sleep a bit better for a few days! But I must admit that what looks like courage, is in reality a strong desire to either hide from my pain or to look strong. I’ve been struggling so much to write this post because of how hard it is for me to open up about what I’m feeling.
I’ve also been asked if I’m OK living in Paris. I sort of am… At this point, it will be hard to find peace anywhere. We lived for three years in Lebanon. Every place reminds me of moments with her. I hear her laugh and her voice everywhere. And I see the children playing without her. They laugh but I don’t hear her voice in the present anymore… only in the past. Ella loves being there so I take her as often as I can, but it’s very hard for me. So you see, Paris is like my little hiding place. Of course there are many places here where I hear and see her but it’s not the same for some reason.
I am taking care of myself? I’m trying. I’m slowly going back to my exercising routine and I’m working a lot at a job I love. Life doesn’t make sense to me most of the time but having Ella brings some sense into it. She has a beautiful energy, the strongest I’ve ever felt, just like Mya, that can light up any room. Like I often tell her, she makes me happy. When I’m with her, I smile for real. It’s not always easy to see that but I’m learning to realise that I should hold on to that… She saves me every single day.
A friend suggested I do an experiment here and post the results. It’s about directing our thinking towards the positive. The idea is to use our anger and sadness to create new energy. We are used to training our bodies but never our mind. Why isn’t it the same though? If our bodies are weak, we can train the muscles but we rarely set an objective to train our mind. Instead we surrender to where our mind and its thoughts direct us. Maybe we can start by selecting thoughts to spend time on... while we let other thoughts just flow away without spending too much time on them. Personally I see exercising, mostly Yoga as a training for the brain but I will try to get around his suggestion and get back to you on that. Let me know if you have any thoughts.
Thank you for reading my unorganised words. I will try to focus on a specific topic next time.