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Drugs... out!

Over a month ago, during a yoga retreat in Ibiza, I finally finished stopping all my prescribed medication. It took about three months of feeling more or less dizzy all the time but I did it. It was hard during and after but I feel confident in my decision. What triggered it was my frustration over my constant lack of energy and the big weight gain - that no matter what diets I went through, healthy or not, didn’t change. I am completely aware of how much I needed them - and probably still do - and how much they helped. I was calmer and less anxious and when I started them I genuinely couldn’t feel happiness anymore. But I decided to find other ways of helping myself. I found a very good therapist, am slowly going back to exercising regularly and eating better. It’s still hard and I have panic attacks from time to time but I am managing that better than the frustrations I mention earlier. I don’t advise anyone to do it alone. It’s better to have a support system and a good doctor to guide you through it. I still haven’t reached the peak of my pain over knowing that Mya’s not here, that I can’t do anything anymore to save her, that I will go on for a few more decades without her. The pain is still growing and my anger over the injustice of her past pain and her loss is more and more intense. But I don’t see myself going down a hole so I will not go back to the antidepressants. Ella first and then my family, friends, job, exercise keep me going. Ella’s happiness is the end goal, I do all of this for her. The thought of ever hurting her is unbearable. I know, like I couldn’t with Mya, that I won’t be able to protect her from the injustices of the world but no pain and injustice should come from me. I am aware that Ella’s happiness shouldn’t be my only goal but for the moment there’s nothing else I want. All the steps I take towards this goal will help me. And maybe someday I will want other goals. Just not for now. The feelings I have over loosing Mya are impossible to describe but the closest description I have is that it feels like I’m amputated and at times like someone is trying to pull out one of my limbs. Nothing feels slightly important but Ella and she is a real source of happiness. I am so grateful for her. With grief, I feel that the only way to go on is to find that one thing that matters, that one thing that we want to hold on to and do everything in our power to keep it. It feels like running a marathon and it’s OK to take a break from time to time (and pass out in front of the TV). I am learning to be kind to myself and accept that I can’t be perfect and that I will fail sometimes. I am not there yet, but I am aware that I need to learn these things. Before I went on holidays my therapist told me “stop saying you need a break and start realising you deserve one.” I still don’t feel that way but I am trying to get there. Love Sabine

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